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one_vice












https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBTqCc4Eu3M (Parked Outside by Afghan Whigs - Can't imbed)











Lie to me
one_vice
I've been crafting this post in my head for a few weeks now, and at first I planned on making this a bitchfest about how much 2013 sucked for me. I starting compiling all of the reasons in my head, but then I realized something: Every single negative example that I could come up with was directly or indirectly related to a decision or a mistake that I made. I could not come up with one example of something that happened to me that was beyond my control. How is that for a karmic slap to the face?

I made the decision to have an affair with a married coworker. An old friend didn't make the decision to receive a diagnosis of cancer.

I made the decision to leave my husband and live alone. Another old friend didn't make the decision to receive a diagnosis of cancer for the third time in his life.

I didn't read the instructions carefully when changing my deductions at work so now I will owe the IRS thousands of dollars. Hundreds of people at my company didn't have a choice when they were blindsided with layoffs and walked out the door.

I made some horrible decisions. I conducted myself in an embarrassing manner on several occasions. I made some of the most difficult decisions of my life, which I don't necessarily regret but which were still very stressful. I want to recognize the negatives. I want to put them out there because it's what I do. I am an open book, and while some people probably read my posts and think, "Damn girl, overshare much?" I am hoping that one or two people might read them and think, "It's nice to know that there is someone else out there who understands what I am going through."

I am going to list out the negatives, but I am no longer going to dwell on them. I am not going to lay blame for my misfortune on anyone or anything but myself. Yes, all of these things happened to me in 2013. Yes, many of them are on the list of top life stressors and they all happened to me in one year. I earned the right to spend more time crying in 2013 than I ever did in my life. I earned the right to have trouble dragging myself out of bed. I earned the right to feel sorry for myself. However, I need to let all of that go. I need to move on, and I am - Slowly. It has been happening and all I can hope for is that it continues to happen over the next 365 days and beyond. So without further ado, the 2013 Bad and Ugly:

- An affair that started in 2012 collapsed into a ball of flames early in 2013. I have known heartbreak in my life, but this topped it all. I had my heart shattered into a million pieces by a man that I was deeply in love with. It's not that I didn't see it coming, I'm not dumb. However, that fact didn't make it hurt any less.
- I broke Jake's heart into a million pieces, and I carried (and still carry) a lot of guilt for that. I feel guilty for having the affair, guilty for leaving him, guilty for not feeling more guilty.
- I went from seeing my daughter every day to one night a week and every other weekend. And add on some more guilt!
- I packed up all my stuff and while Jake was out of the house, moved out of the country I had been living in for 6 years.
- I went from a household of three, one of which was a boisterous 4-year-old, to a household of one. It took months to get over that loneliness, to get used to the constant quiet.
- I will owe the IRS thousands of dollars in 2014.
- I changed jobs, which needed to happen for obvious reasons, but it was stressful nonetheless.
- I have struggled financially, which will lead to me having to move in with my parents in 2014 so that I can pay off some debt.
- There are other acts that I am not terribly proud of and that are embarrassing, but you'll have to take my word for it.

There they are, in black and white. But now, the 2013 Good:

- I lost some weight and went from looking like this:

fat

to looking like this:

lessfat

- I waited in line with great friends (and one jerk) for around 45 minutes in 20 degree weather like this:

plunge

to do this:

plunge2

I went to a friend's epic 40th birthday party with the likes of these fun people:

angelasparty

I bought a pair of boob pillows:

boobpillow

I found a new hobby that I enjoy doing with friends:

pwat

My former RPS friends are hilarious and I miss them:

cake

I got two watch my beautiful daughter ham it up at her very first recital:

recital

I had a wonderful, fun, and relaxing trip to visit friends in Nashville:

nashville

nashville2

and received a few fun visits from The Michael Poore(TM)

mp

My baby started Senior Kindergarten:

kindergarten2

We took Evie to see her first Tigers game:

firsttigergame

My big girl turned 5:

birthday

This big girl turned 36:

mybirthday

I got to spend more time with these crazy kiddos:

kids

I saw my first Cirque du Soleil show with my favorite girl:

cirque

Evie lost her first tooth:

losttooth

I had fun at my work Christmas party with some of my favorite gays (and straights, too):

xmasparty

I partied like a rockstar with around 2000 other Santas:

santarchy

And because, while we still have our ups and downs, I have been able to maintain a good relationship with Jake so that we can continue to make memories like these:

hotdogs

jakeandevie

jakesbirthday

swimming

pool

mothersday

jakehalloween

mehalloween

creepyteeth

sharing

2013 was my most challenging year to date and I wouldn't have been able to get through it without the help of my friends and family. I am sorry if I hurt you, broke your heart, or made decisions that disappointed you. Thank you for your support, both emotionally and financially (you know who you are). Thank you for listening to me go on and on about my personal issues and never making me feel as though I was a burden (you know who you are). I love you all very much.

My goals for 2014 are simple: To make better decisions, to recognize my patterns and try to stop the negative ones, to be more positive, to not be afraid to try new things or go to new places even if it means I have to do it alone, and to try to take charge of my happiness.

To 2014 and beyond. Cheers.

Current Mood: accomplished accomplished

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